"What is it about me that you hate about yourself?"

Before we get started, I'd like to preface this blog with a disclaimer:  Any similarities between the "fictional" characters in this blog and actual live people are purely coincidental.  Sadly, despite all efforts otherwise, I have a sneaky suspicion that someone will attempt to misinterpret my words.  Such is life.  I assure you, these statements are vague.  They are more about me than anyone else in particular. 

Now, "What is it about me that you hate about yourself?"

I read that quote several years ago, and think of it often.  I remember thinking, "WHATEVER" when I first read it.  As if there was anything about someone that I hated that was anything at all like me.  Seriously? 

I am, after all, perfect.  TICK    TOCK    TICK    TOCK. 

Dead silence. 

Pin Drop.

Ahaaaa...Is that arrogance I detect?  Isn't that what I hate about "fill in the blank here?"  Hhhhmmmm.........

Ironic? 

For the past month, I've spent hours reflecting.  This is something that I find myself doing a great deal during the months of April and May.  I just noticed that trend recently as well.

Carry on.  I'm doing this because it helps me to rid myself of aggression, and hopefully ease some tension as well as make a little room for peace in my heart.

Before you start thinking that I'm just going to start throwing people under the "you suck" bus, realize that this reflection is more about me than I'd like to admit.  It is, after all, a "reflection," meaning a look at one's self.

So,  there's this person that I deal with on a regular, almost daily, basis.  Strangely, regardless or my surroundings, I find this person, or a clone of this person.  They are everywhere.

I'm not one of their biggest fans to say the least.  Quite honestly, my disgust is growing to the point that I find it difficult to contain.  Let's reflect, shall we?  What, exactly is it that is the source of my disgust?  What is the single thing that I find most repulsive about this particular person?

Greed?  No, although that is there.  Selfishness?  Most certainly present, but nope...not the most distasteful vice.    Hhhmmmm....what trait is it that simply turns my stomach?  

Insincerity.  BINGO!  We have a winner.  This person is so intensely insincere, that I want to just choke the life out of them.  OK.  Now, we are onto something.  You see, I hate that same vice in so many other people as well.  This just eats away at me sometimes.

Does this mean that I am an insincere person?  GASP!  I certainly hope not, but are there times when I am less than sincere?  MOST CERTAINLY. 

Do I look back on those times with embarrassment and self loathing?  100% without a doubt, absolutely YES!   For the most part, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. 

In the words of Kurt Cobain, "I'd rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I'm not."

There are times, however, when I have to play nice, because it's what is expected of me, socially.  I have to pretend to smile, while swallowing the bile that is rising from my gut, because that is what is proper. 

I hate doing that.  I hate everything about it, but I do it, because it's easier than rocking the boat and dealing with the waves.  I don't respect myself when I sell out.

Here's some interesting background knowledge that relates to this recent realization.  April 20, 2005 I got my first tattoo.  It is a Chinese Proverb that literally translates as:  "Beware the person with the Buddhist tongue and snake's heart."  It's forever inked into the skin on my lower right abdomen.  I got it because it reminds me to look out for insincere people.  Years later, I realize that it's a reminder to ME to watch my OWN words.  Limit the insincere ones.  Speak only the truth...

So, yes.  What is it that I hate about this person that I see in me?  Insincerity.  Now that I know, maybe I can see this person as loveable, because, ironically, we share a common vice.  Uuugh....

NEXT...

Hhhhmmmm.  Oh yes.  There's this person that I know that is one of the most offensive, opinionated, loud mouthed, obnoxious and foul worded individuals that I've ever met.  I hate their abrasiveness.  Enough said.  Now THAT is a very hard pill to swallow.  MOVING ON...

OK.  Here's a good one.  Twice in my career, I've met teachers with whom I teach, but really butt heads.  Both of these teachers were just real know it alls.  They just wouldn't let it rest.  They seemed to think that I REALLY needed to listen to how they did things.  They both thought that their way was the only right way to get the job done.  It was almost as if they were on a quest to make everyone teach in the same way that they did.   Unfortunately, they didn't just tell me how they thought that I should do my job, but rather, tried to manipulate me into doing it their way.

Interesting.  I know.  You can all see where this is going.  Well, I can honestly say that I don't feel the need to push my own personal style of educating onto others.  However, we all shared the same intensity of PASSION for what we believed.  Once I listened to these women, I realized that their pushiness came from their heart and their love for kids and educating children.  As soon as I saw that in them, I saw them in me. 

See how easy and fun this game is?  Pick the one person that most gets on your nerves.  Now, think of the many things that they do that just make you want to puke.  Take it one step further.  Decide which ONE thing about them is most disgusting.  Now, find that in you.  If you are honest, you will find this to be easier than you think.  I'm not saying that their vice is a BIG part of you, but it is deep in there somewhere.  It may be something that you have just a touch of, but wish that you didn't.  This is what is most bothersome. 

I'm finding that the more I reflect on this, the easier that it is for me to refrain from throwing these offenders into oncoming traffic. 

And here comes a bit more clarification.  With this one point, I've struggled to understand for literally YEARS.  I think of the one or two people in my life that have crushed my heart, broke my trust, and filled my nights with bad dreams.  Incredibly, these are not the same people that I look upon with hate.  Are there things that they have done that have hurt me tremendously that I hate to even think about?  Certainly.

 Am I anything like the thing or things that I absolutely loathe about them?  Oh...I sure hope not. 

But, here's the kicker.  I don't hate the people who have hurt me most.  I say this because only people for whom you care, have the power to hurt you.  Chances are...you even love these people, although they have in some way or another let you down.  So the dishonesty, violence, insecurity, and weakness that you see in those who have hurt you isn't necessarily something that you have to see or hate in yourself.  It's just something that plagued someone you cared for or care about.  Nothing more.  No need to beat yourself up over that one at least.  Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Now,  the hard part.  I struggle with whether or not to post this particular blog.  Part of me says...keep it to me.  It won't make any sense to anyone else.  There will, undoubtedly be, someone who will read this and think, hmmmm....I think I know who that was written about in the first section, or the second, or even the third.  I can almost GUARANTEE that a true identification will not be made or even suspected.  How can I be so sure?  Well, because I just know.

So how will this piece relate to others?  It may not. Yet, somehow, I think it may, despite the vagueness with which it was written.  Does anyone really care?  Probably not.  Will anyone really read this?  Very few if any.  Could it help one person to deal with some angst in their heart?  Hhhhmmmm....possibly.

Post it is.